I know it has been a long time since I have written, but a lot of crazy shit has been going down! I can't believe I just typed that! I could erase it but, it seems bizzarely commemorative...ANYWAY, this week I found myself receding into the wilderness. A camping trip was planned as a part of R.A. training and I ended up learning a lot about myself. Yes, I feel very Zen right now! The following is an attempt at self-satirization. I had fun writing it and laughing at myself, with myself! I hope you do too!
The Intelligent Metrosexual is no outdoorsman. This makes sense, since only a particularly foolish metrosexual would put himself at the mercy of the outdoors without knowing what to expect. The Intelligent Metrosexual does his research before hand, maybe takes a few notes as well. A few notes that are memorised and burnt before anyone else can find them. Why? Because Alphas do not take notes, and, while no-one really expects you to turn in a brauvura performance to the extent that you may find yourself made an honourary Alpha (dream on!), you will be expected to pass for someone who might, on the eighth day of any random week, develop that potential.
The following is a list of rookie mistakes that are easily avoided. If you are an Intelligent Metrosexual, of course!
1) Packing, if I may say so plainly, is going to be a bitch. For starters, you are to carry ugly clothes. As inconceivable as that may sound, it is entirely possible. Any mulling over that you do about which of your clothes you think pass for ugly must be done in private. You may find, at some point, that you have reached an impasse i.e. you may find only a single set of clothes that is 'ugly enough' for the trip, and if you are valiant enough to take only that one set with you, you will find that, at the end of your trip, you will loathe that one particular set more than you ever thought possible. Even after washing those clothes thoroughly, will you detect find a faint whiff of perspiration everytime you approach said set of clothes.
2) You will not perspire; you will sweat. Alphas sweat. They do not perspire.
3) Do not even attempt to plan an 'outdoors look' for yourself. Who do you think you are? Ralph Lauren? Oh and, if I may just add, (rather ruggedly so!) I pity the fool who goes through a Ralph Lauren Polo catalogue to get ideas: this is not a production of 'Brideshead Revisited'. It may prove to be just as traumatic at times, but seriously, THIS IS NOT A PRODUCTION OF 'BRIDESHEAD REVISITED'.
4) It is a good idea to pack sparingly. You know, like the Alphas: just bare essentials. But just like you're not supposed to over-do the aforementioned, over-doing this bit is also abysmally stupid. If you go over-board on economy, you will find yourself without a tooth-brush, showering essentials and most of your bedding. Never mind the fact that you want to douse yourself in Purell as a result of what you think is something that will help stretch your limits and challenge your resourcefulness-such negligence is a sign that you're trying too hard to ingratiate yourself with the Alphas and that, good sir, is just silly! You are not Grizzly Adams.
5) Oh and do not carry hand sanitizer with you. Ever. Especially if you obsessively sanitize your hands. Let's face it, it IS the outdoors, and no amount of hand-santizer is going to make you feel good about yourself.
6) Avoid sleeping aids at all costs. You will get loopy and word-vomit will result. Do you really want to talk about your feelings when you have other things to worry about? Like bugs? At any rate, why would you want to talk about your feelings anyway? Do you really have any? Hmmm, I thought not.
7) The buzz-word is PMA (Positive Mental Attitude), not PMS.
8) Self-satirising your situation is very, very therapeutic. Deadpan wittily and everyone will think you're a riot and you will not want to bust out the shortbread.
9) Do things you wouldn't normally do: yes, I speak of physical activity. The Alphas will be more than happy to help you out. Minimise the drama, please. Keep a stiff upper-lip throughout. Remember, YOU ARE FINE. Anyone who tells you any different, even if it is yourself, is a whiny little bitch. You will be better for the experience if you finally allow your testicles to descend.
10) Seriously, stop whinging about how hard this is for you. We get it. You've never done this before. So do it now! Remember Bernice from Fitzgerald's 'Bernice Bobs her Hair'? Erm, never mind that example, it is probably not the best one... The point, however, is that you are not special. Yes, say that to yourself a few times. You are not special: the grime sticks on you just the same as it sticks on others, the mosquitoes relish your war just as greedily as they relish that of others. Sure, you may be unsightly at the end of it all, but think of the possibilities! Somewhere there is probably a picture of you, getting prettier by the minute!
11) Do not high-five anyone. Seriously. You'll give the whole game away.
12) The Alphas are probably in better shape than you ever will be. Saying that you have been 'working out a bit', or 'really should start working out' is a piss-poor defence mechanism. Everyone knows that you do not, have not and will not work out. They are just too polite to say so.
This above all: to thine ownself be true...
Actually...never mind!
Until the next time,
GossipGuy!
I take you enjoyed an enlightening experience, no? To me it sounds like a lot of your camping "don'ts" come from personal experience, though who am I to make petty assumptions? Anyway, the evergreen question here is, would you ever go again?
ReplyDeleteA riot!
ReplyDeleteThe best posts are always the ones written from experience. :)