Spring Cleaning

This winter break past has been very good to me. It wasn't a lackadaisical episode characterised by a quasi-hibernation of sorts which involved getting out of bed for indulging in food items that oozed cheese/chocolate. This is the only meal I'd have in the day, and so there were no weight conundrums to figure out. I find that I turn into a gelatinous (because of all the cheese!) slob over winter break. The residence halls are empty, there are no classes to attend to, and there's really nothing to look forward to. This break was different, and refreshingly so. There were a lot of things that needed airing out, and I don't just mean linen. In fact, I really should have got on that...But yes, I did make some important decisions/resolutions. God knows, I had time!

The Future.

While R.A.-ing over break, and patrolling the buildings I was responsible for, I couldn't help but notice some of door decorations that the residents had put up. There were white-boards with countdowns to Christmas, declarations of eternal love and friendship, inspirational ditties urging people to be true to themselves, the spiky-haired Alltel guy...I was enamoured of the innocence of it all. They were so young (though not a year or two younger than I) and so full of hope, the kind of hope that assures one that the only pain they would ever have to deal with would be simple, and dispelled by a mere change in weather. My door is a tapestry of door decorations, it represents the Gilded Age of R.A. doors, in my opinion! To me, these decorations are symbolic of accolades that I am yet to achieve. My door is what got me thinking of the future, and the empire that I am to build for myself. So, I begged an audience from The Archduchess of Burgundy, jointress of the small but powerful immunology department at the university. I rather liked the conversation we had. It managed to clear away the heavy mist that had descended in front of certain alcoves, turns and avenues of the road paved before me. I had feared treacherous cross-roads urging decisions to go this way or that, turns with a one-way sign standing in warning, and yes, these were right where I had thought they would be. The only difference now is that I had a map!

Relationships.

There are things that I shall try to keep out of this blog, and out of my life hereafter. My neuroticism, for one. Charles Ryder, the make-peace that he is, had disarmed the term by calling it [our] 'quirks', but quirks are charming, neuroticism is debilitating. I live in the constant fear that I shall lose the life-giving connections I have made during my time here. These are all unexpected friendships: Hamlet and I were introduced in the strangest of circumstances, and now, I thank God each day for him. In fact, he had stored some of his stuff in my room over break, and as I looked over his books, his bass, his architectural odds and ends, I knew that I would have probably limped my way through this place without realising it, if he and I hadn't met that one fortunate evening. I was also looking after Bebe's fish and her plant over break, and the flighty, fiery fish reminded me of the quick-witted, astute Bebe herself. Yes, I am lucky to have found her as well. And then there is Butters. I honestly didn't think I would have more than four 'to-the-point' conversations with him all year, and that too because we were on the same staff. I have been known to enjoy bitter, almost acrid coffee to kick-start the day, but I also enjoy a soothing cup of jasmine tea. The time I spend with Butters is of that flavour. The reason I worry is because I didn't plan these! In high school, I knew exactly who was going to be my friend, and exactly who was going to be 'let go'. But this, I had no control over. I worry, Holy God, I worry! I worry that I may lose this all, and then what shall I be? Bestial! I had dreamed that life would be like this, with friends, impromptu fun and a hint of scandal. But I fear that something will kill this dream. I fear it may be me...

Oh, and I am setting the drama out to dry too. Yeah, no more of that. It's seriously not pleasant. This is a lesson I learned from Janice, a sweet girl introduced to me by T-Tweek. Janice is that enviable position where two gentlemen are fighting for her affections. That position is not enviable at all, by the way. It isn't easy knowing that one is the source if so much strife, yet Janice is engaging, funny and...normal. She doesn't have a sense of tragedy about her, when asked why, she said, "What is the point?" Yes, what is the point indeed? I shall be like that clever creature from that one musical about the best of all possible worlds:
"Enough, enough!" I say, "Of being basely tearful. I shall show my noble stuff by being bright and cheerful!" That, and I do have a pet now to listen to my woes, my Lysander (named after the Spartan war hero, and not the whingey bitch-boy from 'Midsummer..') is a betta fish in royal purple, and is excellent company. Butters and Bebe are the God-parents!

Love.

I am never talking of this issue ever again. I am done. Seriously. Janice, the seer that she is, said "What is the point?" That inelegant yet profound epithet fits this situation like soulmate jeans. Each day is another day of this person not caring, each night has been spent in dreaming of words that shall never be said. It seems like a colossal waste of time, does it not? And so it has been. I shall no longer think of what may have been in a vastly far-out type of alternate reality. I shan't look for reciprocation that shall never come, because, subtracting me from this person's world will barely make a dent in the way things are set up for them. No. Instead, I shall remember the truth that once was spoken: to love another person is to see the face of God.

My unchaperoned promenades down the serpentine, misty (some even say, risky) streets of thought this break have made this much clear to me: I am afraid that I am inadequate. Socially, academically and in all and any other possible ways. I shan't hunger for reassurances anymore, constant reader, how needy must you think me! Instead, I won't be afraid. I know exactly what I have to do.

Until the next time,
GossipGuy!